coucou!! i'm back... i know i didn't keep my promise about coming back sooner but HERE I AM. happy new year btw!!

so it's already the 6th and i started school yesterday (monday). i have SEVEN classes this semester which is kinda crazy but i think i'll do good on them. we'll see lol.

my sister went back to texas and literally already hurt her foot?? like she just got back and her foot is all swollen. she told me yesterday that she went to the clinic and they just gave her something to wrap it and ibuprofen. like that's IT. fucking crazy honestly. nothing super exciting has happened yet, just a normal start to the year i guess. it's been quite okay so far, nothing good or bad really, just... okay.

oh BUT there is one thing that's been worrying me. i've been getting worse and worse back aches lately. i don't think i've mentioned this here before but yeah, since the beginning of last year i've had this terrible, terrible back pain. it hurts when i bend, sit, lay down, stand... literally everything hurts. it's really really bad. my mom scared me because she said one of her friends had back ache and when she went to the hospital it turned out to be kidney stones??? so now i'm freaking out like oh my god is it kidney stones? is it cancer?? but i don't have insurance yet so i can't even go to the hospital to check. i have to wait until i get insurance which sucks. anyway yeah that's everything i wanted to say. hope you're enjoying the new year too!!

Neisha ♡

MERRY CHRISTMAS !!!!!!

Last night was one of those moments I'll remember forever. At 11 p.m. on Christmas Eve, my mom surprised me with a Motorola RAZR flip phone, and I absolutely lost it. It's so cute and nostalgic—I literally jumped into her arms like a little kid again.

Neisha ♡

My sister is finally home 🥹 Today was chill but nice. We went to the gym together and she ran a whole 2 miles in 10 minutes (athlete behavior), while I… walked and minded my business. After that we did some lifting together before heading back home.

Oh and I got her a TV for Christmas! Her dorm on base doesn't have one and she mentioned it was kind of a distraction-free zone (which I guess is the point?) but we thought it'd be nice for her downtime. We ordered it together so she could pick what she wanted. Can't wait to see her face when it actually arrives!

Neisha ♡

Finally. Finally. I’m actually sitting down to write a proper diary entry. I’ve been telling myself for a while that I want to write more often and actually take care with my entries instead of just throwing random thoughts into my microblog. If I’m being honest… I’ve been lazy 😭.

I've been slacking on all my hobbies lately and the website updates I promised myself I'd do? it's still sitting there. I had all these plans, all this motivation, and then life just... happened. Like, really happened. There's been so much personal stuff going on that I actually do want to write about in depth, but I keep going back and forth on how much I want to share online. how open is too open? Where's the line? I've been thinking about this a lot lately, and I've decided to make some changes. I'm cutting ties with most of the online communities I've been hanging around in.

On a lighter note though, my sister is coming home today, yayyyy 🫶🏽. She was supposed to be here like 2 hours ago but her flight got delayed (because of course), so now she's coming later. I've been checking the time every five minutes like that's going to make her plane land faster. I just really miss her and can't wait to see her. Anyway, here's hoping I actually stick to writing more this time. We'll see how long this motivation lasts.

Neisha ♡

i have been sick this week and sleeping until noon. today i woke at 6am to go to school. during and after first period i had something resembling an anxiety attack or i was just still sick and drove back home. i could not breathe and my chest felt like a knot that just got tighter and tighter and i was going to throw up. i felt better as soon as i left school grounds. i have no idea what happened. i don’t like school.

and then there’s these finals. like actually be serious. my brain was already hanging on by a thread and they said “yeah let’s TEST her.” i studied, i manifested, i nearly dissociated in the exam room. i don’t even know what half the questions were asking. i was just clicking like i was taking a personality quiz. whatever happens happens. i’m literally pretending the whole thing never happened. future me can deal with the grade because present me is clocked OUT.

fuck this fuck ass month called november. every single year it just shows up like, “hey girl :))” and ruins everything. i do not know what is real anymore. my life feels like a fever dream with a subscription fee. leave the past in the past. wipe it clean. reboot. start again. it’s christmas time now. candles, cozy vibes. nobody hates you. shut the hell up please. overthinking is fake. november is fake.

fuck you november <3

This was written Friday November 14th, 2025 at 4am but it's been written here 11/17/2025.

It is currently 4am and I can't stop thinking about it so imma just say it. I have the whole thing with my mother. When we got home, she called me from her bedroom and I went to her. She held my hand and said she has to tell me something. My father had passed away.

I am deeply hurt and mad. I didn't get to see him one last time or talk to him. He has passed away since Sunday (november 9th) and nobody has dared to tell me

My mom said she didn't tell me because I had exams and wanted me to do well. But my only daddy is gone and now I only have my mother.

The last time my father saw me, I was 12. I will be 19 in days. Nobody has told me. He died November 9th, and they told me November 14th. He died at 10 in the morning. Later that day, I didn’t know anything. I was watching Antichrist. I was just living my day normally while my father was gone.

November 17, 2025

Neisha ♡

Dear Diary, My birthday is in approximately three days, and I just want it to pass. I hate birthdays, probably because of how I usually spend them. Anyways, yesterday I went to a chapel, and it was magnifique—absolutely splendid. I couldn't stop looking at the stained glass of Mother Teresa; the stillness in her eyes made her look so calm.

Neisha ♡ — click to view pics

I have so much to say and yet feel like I have nothing to express at all. These past few months have been eventful, and I'll do my best to document everything. My last entry was on September 22nd; it was a bit off, so I'll try to adopt a more positive tone now.

In October, I experienced severe headaches that typically started around 5 PM and continued through the night. After 1 AM, I would develop a fever, and my body felt like it was burning up. I had to turn on my fans to cool down. I'm not sure what caused this, but thankfully, it hasn't happened since November began. Last month and the beginning of this month have been frigidly cold, and today I woke up to find it was snowing. My mother and I had to heat some water to get the snow off my car so we could get to school on time. Okay, enough chitchat and boring stuff. Let's get to the big things.

At the beginning of this journal, I mentioned my dad's sickness. Well, that's not a sickness anymore. It's more like a death sentence now. He's gotten so much worse; he looks like he's on his deathbed. Someone video called me and I saw him. I nearly cried. He looked so bad. I wish I could attach a picture, but I can't. I would've come with warnings. I talked to him a day before that, and he told me he needed surgery that cost about 80 million gourdes, which is about $600 USD. My mother sent over $400, and he got the surgery done. He lost a leg. They had to remove it or else he would die. But the people in the hospital with him say that even with the leg gone, he won't make it either way. My mom told me this yesterday at breakfast. She'd been hiding it from me, and I cried at the table. I don't want to lose my dad or go to a funeral.

I also mentioned my sister, who was supposed to come home from the military. Well, that won't be happening anymore. Because of the government shutdown, they had to keep her away from me, which fucking sucks. I had to add this to all my problems. Like please, can I just have someone? Why take the people I love most away from me? She'll miss my birthday, which is another piece of bullshit. She said she's coming home for Christmas, but I don't even know anymore. I don't know what to believe. I don't want to cry, but the tears won't stop coming. I don't want to pray. It's becoming useless because the sky is empty and full of bullshit. I am in so much pain, and nothing seems to be getting better. It's hard to feel like anything is listening or helping. I'm tired. Everything feels like it's falling apart.

But I passed my chemistry exams, so that's a win. I got a 97 on the first midterm and an 81 on the second one (I know it got lower, but I still passed. Who cares?). I hope I ace the finals. School has been fine. It's the only thing that hasn't been falling apart in my life so far. But let's not jinx anything, please. Well, that's all I'm going to say for now. I have more, but I need to get back to class. Sayonara. bai♡

Neisha ♡

I was really looking forward to finally updating this, but lately I’ve been feeling super stressed with both home and school. So, apologies in advance if this entry comes off a bit negative. Things haven’t gone as planned, and I’ve had to let some tasks get delayed which, ironically, just adds to the stress. bai ♡

Neisha ♡

My dream place to live would be far away from Indiana. Somewhere across the ocean, like Switzerland or London. I imagine waking up to the sound of church bells through the streets, or snow covering the rooftops of little houses tucked between mountains.

I want to drink hot chocolate while watching snow fall outside my window. I want to walk through streets where people wear big coats and scarves, where the air feels crisp instead of heavy. As cliché as it sounds, I want to see myself living in a place that feels like a movie. Somewhere where life feels softer. Living in Indiana isn’t the worst, but sometimes it feels too quiet and plain. Summers get sticky and winters feel gray. It’s like I’m always waiting for something exciting that never happens. So I dream of somewhere else, somewhere far, far away.

Neisha ♡

today was actually kinda nice though. woke up to this gorgeous morning chill like that crisp air that makes you feel alive and shit. but then afternoon came and it got all hot and gross and i was immediately over it. still, the sky looked absolutely unreal all day - this massive blue canvas with these cute little puffy white clouds that looked like someone just casually painted them on there.

the cold is creeping in and honestly... i'm ready for it. or am i? idk man, part of me is excited for cozy sweater weather and hot drinks and all that basic fall girl nonsense, but another part of me is already dreading having to layer up and deal with my car being frozen in the mornings. we'll see how long this enthusiasm lasts.

speaking of changes - my whole schedule is fucked now. got this completely different hours at work AND i'm back at uni which is... a lot. trying to juggle work and classes is already kicking my ass. why did i think this was a good idea again? BUT here's the tea - the conjuring is finally OUT today!!! like yes please, inject that horror directly into my veins. will i be watching it? absolutely. will it probably mess with my sleep schedule that's already completely destroyed? also yes, but priorities! honestly don't know what else to say. september always feels like this weird fresh start even though it's not january. it's all those years of school making me think fall = new beginnings or whatever. either way, here we are. living, loving, surviving another month. - bai ♡

Neisha ♡

I don't even know when was the last time I wrote on this app. A lot has happened and I will try to put them all here. It has become super hot and humid I can't even anymore, my blood has been going all up on my fingers and toes and it feels shity. I got a cut on my finger and I can't even cook because it burns and I have no bandages.

--☆★ My mom finally decided shes going to leave her dusty and buy a house herself so im super excited, we have been looking for nice neighborhood and then we can get prepared. Did I mention im excited??? Because… I can FINALLY get a dog.

° I haven’t been going to church a lot please forgive me Father! It's not like couldn't I was not feeling getting of bed because im mostly tired, coming back from work and helping my mom taking care of my little brother is a lot. I miss my sister but we talked yesterday and was feeling well until she started running again. I hope she comes home around August or sooner.

Neisha ♡

had a dream where my teeth were falling out and i was choking on them. i kept trying to spit them out but they just kept growing back. my mom was in the corner of the room yelling at me but her voice sounded broken. i woke up gasping and my mouth hurt like i’d actually bitten myself.

real life isn’t much better. she found my journal and read the stuff about the blades and the pills. now she watches me like i’m radioactive. she keeps asking if i’m okay in that voice that makes me feel like i’m being tested. i told her i was tired. she said she didn’t believe me. i feel like every day is a test i keep failing. i tried to read today but couldn’t focus. i tried to write but couldn’t keep my hand steady. i tried to sleep but every time i closed my eyes i saw flashing lights. i miss when everything didn’t hurt. i miss when i was small and safe and stupid. now i’m still stupid and scared and so so sad.

— bai ♡

today is orientation for uni. i'm going to Marian and i don’t want to put my hopes up. (not just yet) it is a 2 day overnight orientation. i'm currently in my dorm. just took a shower and so it’s kind of chilly and m i'm about to head to bed. tomorrow we’re going to pick out our classes. so i’m excited but not putting my hopes up. goodnight ♡ - 10pm

━━━━━━ ♡ ━━━━━━

♡ it’s currently 11:26 AM (next day) and i just got done registering for classes my earliest is 9AM and latest is 2PM. i'm about to go back to my dorm and get my stuff, im thinking about heading to the bookstore first before i go home. - bai ♡

— bai ♡

Today is Haitian flag day (happy flag day!!) And we were celebrating at church, the pastor and his wife were absent today, so the choir was leading the service. ★ I haven't been writing in my blog for about a month now. I haven’t gotten anything to write about, but I know I should start soon because I don't want to abandon it. - I'm still at church, I just wanted to write an entry before I forget. bai ♥.

— bai ♡

Today's sky was orange

— click to view pics

The past few days have been alright, just the usual cycle of work and home. On Mother’s Day, I went to the mall last minute ‘cause my mom’s so-called husband couldn’t be bothered to get her anything, and somehow made it my problem. But it turned out to be closed. So I just hung around outside for a bit and honestly, the trees and plants were way prettier than I expected. I ended up taking a few pics, and they actually came out really nice. On the way back, I stopped by this seafood spot and grabbed some food for my mom. She loved it - bai ♡

happy mother's day ♡

This morning started off so good. Mom made Zizye [gizzard] (bless her hands), and I had mine with white rice before heading out to work. I even left a little on my plate for later, just in case it was all gone by the time I got home.

I got to work around 11:54 a.m., and just as I was about to sit down, I noticed literal poop on the carpet. I told them about it, and the patient’s granddaughter casually said it was from the dog. Like... girl, what? I was so disgusted. She picked it up with paper towels, and I’m sitting there like, “So y’all not gonna clean the carpet? No mop? No soap? No bleach?!” But nope. That’s not just nasty, it’s straight-up unhygienic. Like ma’am, we’re not in the jungle, we’re indoors with noses.

It was still stinking, and I honestly couldn’t breathe. documentary, this is work. But I guess I just have to suck it up and stick it out till my shift ends. I really hope my Zizye is waiting for me when I get home, because I deserve that happy ending.

— bai ♡

It's the 1st of May and I am so grateful for everything. I want to thank you Father! for everything you've done and everything you have planned for my future. This spring is so beautiful and warm, I noticed the dandelions near my house how beautiful of you to create such a thing. Thank you, Father! Last month was filled with chaos, I hope this month of May bring peace. Amen♡.

— bai ♡

hiiiiii omg it’s been a minute since i updated here... so today i woke up at 7am cause my aunt needed help with something, but my mom told me not to go. she was like, “if she really needed you, she would've driven over herself,” so yeah, i stayed home.

the past few weeks have been alright. my baby brother turned one two days ago 🥹 he's growing up so fast, it’s insane. he was literally just a tiny bean yesterday. i haven’t talked to my sister this week. last time we spoke, she mentioned she was going to see her counselor (i think that’s what it’s called?? lol idk) and maybe get surgery on her legs. they might send her home to recover, so i hope she's doing okay.

wo days ago, i got a random text from a marine recruiter asking if i was still interested. i didn’t wanna say no, cause that’s literally been my dream. so the next day, i went to his office, he checked my height + weight, and made me take a practice test. i didn’t do great 😭 but he said he’ll help me train and get better, so i’m kinda excited about that now. nothing too crazy otherwise... just me, living my boring little life lol.

and omggggg i cannot even explain how hot it's been lately. like today? 80 degrees. eighty. it was hotter than my dad’s balls. and of course, i can’t wear short sleeves because i hate my arms, so i’m out here sweating bullets under a damn sweater like a fool. this gotta be a sign from the universe to lose like 80 pounds or something. i’m struggling. so that's it... bai pussycats ♡

— bai ♡

THIS ENTRY IS NOT AVAILABLE

— bai ♡

today was a monster. i got my period after two months of nothing and it hit like a damn freight train. like surprise! here's all your hormonal rage. i’ve been curled up half the day like a sad little pierogi. 🥲 also. ALSO. still no paycheck. three weeks of clocking in and nothing has landed in my bank account. i called and they were like “we’ll talk to payroll” and then had the audacity to be like “we don’t know if we can get you your money back” ??? like. excuse me?? that’s MY money?? from MY hours?? tf do you mean "don’t know"??? i fixed my banking info in workday today so if the money doesn’t show up soon someone’s getting a strongly worded email in comic sans.

I have been binging 911 all day like a certified couch potato. tomorrow maybe I will make a post. i haven’t been journaling much lately. idk why anyways. i’m tired. i’m crampy. that's all i have to say. bai ♡

— bai ♡

okay, so today?? was INSANELY hot. like, the kind of heat that makes you feel like the sun has a personal problem with you 💀 i literally felt like a piece of toast. i just wanted to throw myself on the floor, become one with the tiles, and never move again.

butttt, somehow i got myself up and did stuff?? like work and cleaned my room. i cleaned my room (finally), helped my mom with dinner, and even worked a bit on my coding!! i’ve been trying to make it look more me and i think i’m slowly getting there ♡ the layout is super cute now and i added a lil diary section, so i can just come here and write whenever my brain iss filled, i feel like talking to someone, even if that “someone” is just this page.

alsooooo BIG THING I made a whole lil web page about my old diaries 🥹 it’s like a cozy archive of my brain from different timelines and it makes me so happy. i will be adding stickers and doodles and everything.

old blog.

anyway, even with the heat trying to end me, today was actually kind of lovely. i think it’s nice to have small things to look forward to. i’m probably gonna end this here and go put my hair in a bun before i melt again. but i’ll be back soon, dear diary. this was fun <3

— bai ♡

There’s a huge thunderstorm happening tonight. Actually, it’s a whole tornado. I hope I wake up tomorrow and just go to work like nothing happened. Right now, I’m trying to study for my test but it’s so damn hot in my room. I’m just gonna wait this storm out. Honestly, I don’t even know what the fuck I’m saying anymore, so... bai.

😭😭

Forgot we have left February. Time flies exceedingly fast. I keep writing, like a useless nobody to pass the time of life. I sit ot lie down on my bed open this shifty notebook and pour my brain out. I mostly talk about my boring days, but it’s still something. I decided I wanted to start a little writing challenge (if I may call it as that) where at the end of each month I would write an essay about it like go back and reflect how it was, the worst and best or whatever I watched, listened to or whatever. I think I just want to be more present in my life, if that makes sense. Anyways, with that being said, I hope you and I have a wonderful april ♡, baiii.

It’s April 1st (yay)

The first week of work went smoothly. I wasn't tired or anything, which surprised me. They sent me to a family home instead of a facility, but honestly, I’m okay with it. Most of the time, she just sits on the couch, watching movies or scrolling through her phone. I usually leave around five, but every time I’m there, she makes me watch at least eight movies. You can find my movie list on letterboxd.

The past few weeks have been pretty chill, just work and sleep, nothing too exciting. Now that March is almost over, I figured I’d do a little wrap-up of it. As I’m writing this, it’s raining outside with thunder and shit.

Last week, I got 6 letters from my sister, and they were so sweet. I guess she writes whenever she’s free and sends them all at once. I haven’t written back yet, but I’m planning to this week. We did talk on the phone, though, and she mentioned she’s on crutches. She’s coming home soon, so I’m super excited about that.

On March 21st, I passed my driver’s license test (yay!). I drove for an hour to get there, but when I arrived, I realized I had forgotten my green card at home, so I couldn’t get the driver’s privilege paper. I had to wait three days until the BMV opened again, but now I finally have it! Also, Inzoi finally came out, and I ended up spending about 50 bucks on the game. The game was 40 dollars, but my computer couldn’t handle it, so I ended up using GeForce Now. I bought a $9.99 plan, and the game ran smoothly after that.

— bai ♡

I went to my orientation, and it went well. It took a long time, but I got through it. Tomorrow at noon, I’ll be meeting my patients, hoping it goes well. Other than that, I don’t have much going on; I just need to make sure I get that recorded.

— bai ♡

I was scrolling through Substack and came across this post. I was fascinated by how this woman kept a journal for 90 years of her life (now that’s dedication!) It honestly gave me so much motivation to keep writing.

I ordered a lace three days ago, and it finally came today! I’m so excited to take my braids down and try it on, it’s so beautiful.

On another note, I think I’m coming down with a cold. Now I have no choice but to drink this nasty syrup… ugh. Really hoping I feel better in a few days.

— bai ♡

I’m writing this early in the morning- well, kinda early. It’s 12:20 PM, but I usually write my entries around 11 PM. I got some news from my dad today. He told me he went to church, and the pastor said his sickness is apparently caused by voodoo?? If you didn’t know, my dad has diabetes and suffered a stroke. Sometimes, the doctors have to remove portions of his leg because the stroke affects his circulation, and he can’t walk properly.

Today, he sent me a voice note asking for money for medication and transportation. I always thought strokes were just a natural illness, not something caused by voodoo. But my mom said that in America, it’s considered natural, but in Haiti, sometimes it’s not. I’m so confused. I really just want my dad to get better, but I don’t have the money to help him right now. I have orientation on Wednesday the 19th, and I really hope I get the job so I can send him my first paycheck. I’m gonna go get something to eat now. Maybe I’ll write another entry later, but who knows.

Bai ♡

Today was a pretty chill day. It was a bit cold and raining, so I opened my window to let the fresh air in and did a little cleaning again.

March 27 is exactly 10 days away, and Inzoi is coming out, I cannot wait! I don’t care how much it'll costs, I’m buying it no matter what. Since it’s spring break, I’ll have plenty of time to enjoy myself ˃ᴗ˂.

I also re-did the home page, and I think it looks way more engaging now!

As I sit here in my room, it's currently raining outside. I was supposed to go to a prayer service at church today, but I woke up super late and ended up not going because I wouldn’t have had enough time to get ready and make it there on time.

Nothing special happened today (just like every other day), but I did talk to my sister. She’s doing fine. Her graduation is on April 4th, but I don’t think I’ll be able to go. She said I drive recklessly and doesn’t want me driving out of state by myself.

I recently bought a journal on aliexpress, but I totally got catfished- it was so small! I was expecting a decent-sized one, but nope, it looks like something made for ants.

right now im about to do absolutely nothing! bai♡

I've been rewatching Charmed again, for the fourth time. I’m mostly sticking to the first three seasons, but I did start season four the other night. This rewatch feels super nostalgic, kinda like the first time I watched it, so I’ve been holding onto that feeling. It’s just one of those comfort shows that never gets old.

Also, I started watching Golden Girls again, and it’s SO good! Just like I remember it. There are seven seasons, but I’m only on season four. Honestly, I forgot how funny and well-written it is. The humor still holds up, and I love how iconic and sassy all of them are—especially Sophia.

Anyway, today I had pasta (yum), which was actually perfect because it was warm outside, and now I’m watching Golden Girls while journaling. I love nights like this, just relaxing, watching my favorite shows, just wish i was living alone, it would've made thing ten times better. I might make some tea in a bit or maybe grab a snack. Not much else to say, so that’s all for now!

nostalgiaaa!!

Got my tb test results back, and it’s negative (yay!). Now all I gotta do is email it to the company and send it over just in time for orientation.

The weather was actually so nice today. Also, my mom finally didn’t call my name for once. Pretty sure it’s cause I made her mad (honestly, wish she’d stay mad forever). I’m so over her calling me every five minutes to do something for her, like she can’t just get up and do it herself. She’s not even disabled or anything. Thinking about starting that one-meal-a-day thing again. Writing this on an empty stomach, so we’ll see how that goes.

— bai♡

I’ve been gone for a while, not because I was busy, just kinda lazy to write. I’d love to talk about everything that’s happened in the past few days, but honestly, I don’t remember most of it.

March 6: Had a job interview! I think it went pretty well. They asked for a tuberculosis test, so fingers crossed I get the job. Also, my brother’s birthday is coming up, and I wanna get him something nice. Oh, and I have two tests this month, I really hope I ace them both.

March 10: Finally got my tb test done. I’ll get the results tomorrow, so we’ll see how that goes.

Today: The office people came to fix our floor because it was coming apart. They ended up removing the whole thing and putting in a new one, which was kinda cool to watch. Right now, I’m about to clean my room, shower, and then sleep. Oh! Last week, I started Beauty in Black, and it was SO good. I can’t wait for the next season—it’s already been announced, so I really hope it doesn’t get canceled. Also, I started learning how to code! I’m thinking about making a blog, so we’ll see how that goes. That’s all for now, bai ♡.

— bai♡

I got up to cook dinner for these losers, and this woman started yelling at me over her so-called husband. Like, fine, when he’s yelling at you, don’t come crying to me.

She’s a grown woman who doesn’t even know her worth. I swear, I’ll never make the same mistakes or be that brainless.

Also, I met a guy today, and he was already acting gross. (I hate men.) I need a cold shower and my pills to sleep.

— bai♡